You Can't Make This Shit Up

      
      There is no such thing as an uneventful day on my farm. Certainly some days are more interesting than others, but I can always count on something "out of the ordinary" taking place on any given day. Usually the chaos seems to surround the goats, (who really deserve a blog all their own), the three criminals are always wrecking my day! They are masters like Houdini when it comes to figuring how to get out of their entrapments. I'm sure even Fort Knox couldn't keep them contained. Most recently they broke out, set up camp on my neighbor (AKA Aunt Susie's) back porch..chillin' on the nice patio furniture, making themselves quite at home. They thought they'd make a jungle gym of the heat pump, and actually tore up the duct work, much to my embarrasment...which landed them in the solitary confinement of a horse stall. Honestly, they are way more trouble than they're worth. I suggested we sell the things, to which Farmer J. instantly replies "well, let's just eat 'em instead". And although I don't admit to claiming them, at the end of the day they claim me. After all, I am mother to all things four-legged on this place. So how can I eat them? I tried to convince my farrier to make trade with me...three goats for one Belgian gelding that he was trying to find a home for. Which I know without a doubt that a draft horse is going to significantly up the food bill, but at least it won't escape and tear up Aunt Susie's heat pump! Well, that deal didn't work out..so the bandits still remain as part of the family, and live on another day to destroy the universe. What to do with them? *sigh*

     Anyways, this story isn't even about the goats. But I had to make an example of them..to give you an idea of the random craziness I deal with on a daily basis. Despite our newly built fences, nice livestock facilities, etc., there always seems to be something on the loose. Usually the goats, but sometimes the horses, and occasionally a pig or two. I wonder if every farmer chases renegade animals as much as I do. Sometimes I think to myself, why even bother having fences at all. Well, a few weeks ago..I hear someone out in my driveway, just a honkin' their horn like they were in a traffic jam. I storm out to see what on earth they're doing at my house in the first place. And who just honks their horn like that? Don't most people come and knock on your door if they have business with you? You'd think. I approach the vehicle with caution, cause you never know what kind of lunatic your dealing with around these parts. But it turned out to be a couple of good Samaritans, or the bearers of bad news..(depending on how you look at it). They proceed to go on with a sense of urgency, about a horse stuck beside a rock, something or other. So, I'm like great..what now? I throw my boots on, jump in the truck, and head down the hill. I do a quick head-count of the barnyard. Three goats, and one horse. Wait, where's the other two mares? My eyes scanned over the property a few times like "Where's Waldo" before I found them. And there they were, Pocahontas and the mini-horse Ginger, camouflaged and out of place. On the wrong side of the fence, stuck between a rock and a hard place..literally. The sun is quickly sinking behind the mountain, it's freezing-ass cold, and I don't have a flash light. Jason's off in the woods hunting, so I realized I was gonna have to cowboy up on my own, which is typically the case since most of these mishaps occur while he's away at work. My mind's going back and forth between, should I grab the halters or lure them with the apples I stuck in my pocket in the midst of my mad-dash out the door. I went with the apples. While trying to figure out whether to push or pull them, I'm wondering how they got out in the first place. I'm assuming they must've exited out the back gate, then followed the fence line till they wound up in their current predicament. And since I hadn't fed since the last evening, I'm worried they may have been here awhile. So, I abandon my mission, knowing they're not going anywhere anytime soon, and move quick to get the rest of the herd into the barn before I have even more escapees on my hands. Meanwhile, in my moment of desperation, Aunt Susie shows up to lend a hand. Bless her. Long story short..after getting myself all tangled up in a brier patch, I got the pair loose. Pocahontas takes off on a bucking session around Susie's yard. And then we finally get everyone herded into the pasture, put up in the barn and accounted for. Now it's almost totally dark, and getting colder by the second. But I have to walk the fence line to solve the mystery. And just like I thought, the back gate stood there wide open. So now I've got to deal with finding a padlock, and wondering who intruded onto our property and let the livestock out. Whew!

     

       Now onto the actual story, (fast forward a few weeks from the last incident): Me and my Farm Boy went out on Saturday night, and had us a good old time dancing the night away at the Tractor Bar. Took a detour and stopped at the local Walmart on the way home. And let me tell you..after a few cocktails, shopping at 3am (while everyone else is in bed) seems like a most ingenious idea! So brilliant, in fact, that I'm thinking I should always do my grocery shopping at this indecent hour. We get back home close to 4am and crash. The next morning we awaken to yet more horn honking in the driveway, (this time a different good Samaritan with the same strange honking-instead-of-knocking manners). Seriously? Jason goes out to see what's up, and comes back frantically switching from p.j.'s to farm clothes, meanwhile relaying to me that our miniature horse has escaped, and has been found up the road. Come on, here we go again! So now I'm shedding my pajamas, and throwing on anything I can find along with my glasses..still googly-eyed from pulling an all-nighter, looking as disheveled as I felt, and no time for a caffeine buzz. We set off in the truck, I'm driving like I stole it down our bumpy gravel road, fishtailing in the snow that fell a few days prior. And as I'm imagining all the horses roaming the neighborhood, we come to a screeching halt across from the paddock and look on...puzzled. Well, there stood all six head of livestock, happily grazing away. Huh? Were these early morning whistle-blowers pulling a prank or what? I was relieved to see the animals safe and sound, and to know we weren't about to set off on a wild goose chase. But at the same time, I wasn't exactly thrilled that I got out of bed in such a disarrayed state of panic for no good reason. Oh well. We decided to go down the road anyway, to see where the adventure that already had us bright-eyed and bushy-tailed would lead. Maybe we could help someone else catch their runaway horse. So we pull up to the place we were told we would find Ginger...and I kid you not, there stands the spitting image of her! No wonder they thought it belonged to us. If I hadn't just seen Ginger standing in the barnyard with my own eyes, I would have taken this thing home just assuming it was her. We learn that it had been found in the woods, with a 15 foot long chain attached to it's halter. Apparently wherever it came from, it had been chained up like a dog, with a halter that was two times too small, poor thing. The man who caught it didn't have any hay or fence to corral it in..so we decide to take it to our pasture for safe keeping until the rightful owners came to claim it. I drive the truck back to the barn, and Jason proceeds to lead the mini up the road about a half-mile. 

     The sun was shining down on a peaceful Sunday morning. I could hear Johnny Cash singing in my head "Sunday Morning Coming Down". And if you didn't know otherwise, you'd think this man was just taking his little pony for a Sunday stroll..him and his buddy, so happy. Haha, that's exactly what it looked like as the two made way towards me, so I fancied that delusion for a brief moment. But I snapped out of it as soon as they get to the gate, and I realize uh-oh..it's a mini..STUD!! He took one look at Ginger and it was love at first sight! We turned him loose, and waited to see what would transpire. Now normally equine, big or small, know to use caution upon entering a new herd..for they know by instinct that a pecking order has already been established by the alpha horse. Well this guy obviously didn't get the memo on the subject of hierarchy, or maybe he had the preconceived notion that he was automatically deemed the alpha. He rips up through the fields, chasing the three goats and the three mares, putting them all on the go. He's rearing up, stomping, kicking, bucking, biting..basically making a damn fool of himself amongst horses four times his size. So right then and there, I named him Napoleon..cause he's got the complex for sure! Now it's been two days since we introduced him to the herd. The others are slowly accepting him, and no one's come to lay claim to him yet. Hard to say for sure, but it's looking like he may end up becoming a permanent fixture on the farm. He's far from the draft horse I was hoping for, but he's the perfect match for Ginger. And if I was a betting gal, I'd bet that we'll end up with some baby mini's, sooner or later.

To be continued...